The Funny Thing

I loved taking tests as a kid. Which is weird. It was a big release to fill in all the blanks, regurgitate all the facts, and be done with a large set of information. Details: I've had to wait for test results from dermatology biopsies, MRI's of my brain, shoulder, lumbar spine, blood tests that will determine if I have cancer, an immune disorder, or a deadly virus. Once they take the sample off of- or out of- my body, a stopwatch starts in my mind. I've found that the longer it takes for a doctor to call with the results, the more healthy the results are. But that doesn't stop or slow the insane pace of the clock. The funny thing I learned about easing the anxiety around waiting is.... call the office. You can get away with calling the office maybe three times. The first time, you can straight-up ask if the results are back yet. They'll say no. And they'll be annoyed with you. The second time, you can tell them you want to make sure they have your current...

Physical Therapy is the worst game of Simon Says there ever was. Details: Exactly 4 weeks after spending 4 days in a hospital with a terrifying mystery virus, I started feeling soreness in my shoulders and legs as I put the kids to bed. When I woke up the next morning I couldn't lift my left foot off the ground or raise my arms above shoulder-height. So after ruling out stroke, heart attack, arthritis, autoimmune disorders, trauma, injury, deep vein thrombosis, urinary tract infection, and probably 12 other things, they let me go home with an order to see a physical therapist to try to regain the function in my legs. The funny thing about physical therapy is- it's like mandatory optional torture. Do you want to get better? Then side-step 15 times with this rubber band around your legs. Do you want to walk again? Then lift your legs 10 times, and again 10 times, and now do it with a ball between you knees, and now with another rubber band around your knees. The weird thi...

From now on, I'll always carry deodorant in my purse. Details: One afternoon I spiked a 104.5 fever, with a jackhammer headache, and vomiting. Blah blah blah, I spent 4 days in the hospital. And then it happened again a month later. The funny thing about unexpectedly arriving at a hospital for 4 days is that you have nothing you need with you. And the list of things you need is weird. When my husband brought me things from home he brought one t-shirt and a sports bra. On the way to visit me he remembered that I asked for deodorant. So he stopped at a gas station and grabbed me some Old Spice. I complained to my Future Wife about this and she showed up hours later with yoga pants, two more shirts, easy bras, a hair brush, face wash and lotion, my OWN deodorant, great smelling hand lotion, hair spray, scented body wash, a Norwex body washcloth and one of my journals. The weird thing about being in the hospital for days and days and days, is that you really want to go home. Bu...