The Funny Thing about Cancer

I had cancer one time. For like 15 minutes.

Details: It was malignant melanoma on the bottom surface of my right foot. I had one punch biopsy and then one giant excision. And since then I get something random biopsied once or twice a year.

The weird thing about cancer is, once it's gone, they call you a cancer SURVIVOR. And the narrative around cancer right now is so weirdly- aggressively- about fighting and winning, or fighting and losing, that there's really no room for just: do have, don't have.

I do a lot of work for the American Cancer Society because I just need more things to do in my life (not). But whenever I walk into that room, I'm a Survivor. Which makes it awkward when I meet other Survivors. I've been asked to speak at dinners, or give small motivational talks. I love doing that, but I always start by saying that I only had cancer for 15 minutes. If Cancer was karate, I'm still a white belt. I showed up for the class dressed in the uniform, but after the first day I never went back. And it's weird that I get lumped in with the Black Belt Survivors.

I once was part of this conversation with a man who had Survived pharyngeal cancer:

"I got cancer in my throat from a viral infection that rarely causes cancer. I had surgery, chemo and radiation, and couldn't eat for 6 months so I was fed through a tube. I went from a healthy 180lbs down to 145 and had to rely on my wife and teenage kids to be my caregivers. What was your cancer?"

"Oh. Uh. They removed some skin from my foot and I had to use crutches for, like, a week."

Not. The. Same. Survival.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Funny Thing about Getting Better

It's not like I've written a whole other blog about it.... oh, wait, I have. Details: We lived in Montana, 40 miles South of the interstate. And I wrote about that. Then we moved home and I started training for a marathon. And I wrote about that. Then I didn't know WHAT was happening, and I wrote about that too. The funny thing about being alive is, you never get anywhere. Or you're always there. It just depends on your philosophy. I had cancer. Now I don't. I ran 26.2 miles, but it wasn't all I was expecting it to be. I've been diagnosed with stuff and then un-diagnosed. I've probably had 10-15 'comebacks'. I've had so many 'comebacks' I'm getting tired of being enthusiastic. Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years. It's named Formula 409 because the first four-hundred-and-eight mixtures were disasters. I never start anything new on New Years Day because I start new stuff all the time.
Read more

The Funny Thing about Physical Therapy

Physical Therapy is the worst game of Simon Says there ever was. Details: Exactly 4 weeks after spending 4 days in a hospital with a terrifying mystery virus, I started feeling soreness in my shoulders and legs as I put the kids to bed. When I woke up the next morning I couldn't lift my left foot off the ground or raise my arms above shoulder-height. So after ruling out stroke, heart attack, arthritis, autoimmune disorders, trauma, injury, deep vein thrombosis, urinary tract infection, and probably 12 other things, they let me go home with an order to see a physical therapist to try to regain the function in my legs. The funny thing about physical therapy is- it's like mandatory optional torture. Do you want to get better? Then side-step 15 times with this rubber band around your legs. Do you want to walk again? Then lift your legs 10 times, and again 10 times, and now do it with a ball between you knees, and now with another rubber band around your knees. The weird thi...
Read more

The Funny Thing about Hospitilizations

From now on, I'll always carry deodorant in my purse. Details: One afternoon I spiked a 104.5 fever, with a jackhammer headache, and vomiting. Blah blah blah, I spent 4 days in the hospital. And then it happened again a month later. The funny thing about unexpectedly arriving at a hospital for 4 days is that you have nothing you need with you. And the list of things you need is weird. When my husband brought me things from home he brought one t-shirt and a sports bra. On the way to visit me he remembered that I asked for deodorant. So he stopped at a gas station and grabbed me some Old Spice. I complained to my Future Wife about this and she showed up hours later with yoga pants, two more shirts, easy bras, a hair brush, face wash and lotion, my OWN deodorant, great smelling hand lotion, hair spray, scented body wash, a Norwex body washcloth and one of my journals. The weird thing about being in the hospital for days and days and days, is that you really want to go home. Bu...
Read more